“Sem mais! Já para a coordenação!”

Essa é a Conmebol. Ela é a supervisora da escola, e é ela quem monitora friamente seus alunos – em especial às da sala do Brasil. São os que mais incomodam, pela malandragem e, mesmo assim, pelo dom de serem os melhores entre todas as classes. 

E essa coordenadora não é daquelas  que gostam de dar explicações: Não é não. Dessa vez, o encurralado é o Santos Futebol Clube. E faltando horas para a famosa prova final. Outros coleguinhas de sala dão risada: “se fudeu, Peixe!” – coitados. Mal sabem podem ser os próximos a qualquer momento.

Sim, o Santos errou no pior momento possível, na única competição que não se pode dar chance ao azar – principalmente no quesito extracampo.

O peixe fez merda na frente da mais rude e implicante coordenadora. Escalar irregularmente um jogador (Carlos Sánchez) em fase oitavas de final de uma competição importante já é uma atrocidade administrativa. Na Libertadores, da Conmebol, me arrisco a dizer que possa ter sido a maior imbecilidade de uma diretoria de futebol no Brasil de todos os tempos. O Santos jogou a bolinha de papel na cara da coordenadora, com ela de frente. O torcedor santista tem o dever de despejar ódio aos que gerem seu clube.

Uruguaio é o pivô de um drama extracampo.

 

Mas e o River? Zuculini tinha dois jogos de suspensão a cumprir e atuou em TODAS as partidas da Libertadores até aqui. A dona Conmebol desconversou. Pediu desculpas por não ter visto. Parece ser muito amiga da mãe do aluno.

É impressionante a implicância da dona Conmebol. E não, não é de hoje que ela olha com nojo para os alunos desta sala – e protege os queridinhos da sala que fala em castelhano. E não, não falamos de irregularidades. São crimes acobertados pela professora que passa panos quentes nos acontecimentos que não vêm da classe que enoja.

Agressões coletivas, tentativas de homicídio, entoxicação, racismo por parte de torcedores, jogadores e membros de comissão técnica, até mesmo emboscada em nível de guerrilha. Falo muito sério sobre tudo o que escrevi. Acha exagero? Admire os “alunos engomadinhos” entrando em ação nos seguintes jogos:

Fluminense 2×1 Cerro Porteño – 2009 – paraguaios não aceitam a derrota;
Universidad de Chile 2×3 Flamengo – 2010 – rubro-negros eliminados por pedradas. Intervalo foi no campo;
Estudiantes 2×1 Internacional – 2010 – chacina guerrilheira dos argentinos a colorados;
Internacional 3×2 Chivas Guadalajara – 2010 – craque mexicano agredindo os campeões com muleta;
Argentinos Jrs 2×4 Fluminense – 2011 – emboscada dos perdedores e covardia com os jogadores menores;
Santos 2×1 Peñarol – 2011 – uruguaios se correm com o talento de Neymar;
São Paulo 2×0 Tigres (45 minutos) – 2012 – tentativa de homicídio e arrego;
Atlético Mineiro 5×2 Arsenal – 2013 – bem recebidos, porém destruíram o local mesmo assim;
Real Garcilaso 2×1 Cruzeiro – 2014 – Tinga e a “macaquice” que tanto incomoda a quem não sabe jogar futebol;
Colo-Colo 1×1 Botafogo – 2017 – Tinta tóxica no vestiário não impediu classificação do Glorioso;
Peñarol 2×3 Palmeiras – 2017 – encruzilhada com portões dos vestiários trancados propositalmente. Cadê a polícia? Estava batendo na torcida do Palmeiras.

Você verá do que são capazes os santinhos da América Espanhola quando a coordenadora severa finge virar de lado. Em certos casos, não vimos punição alguma por parte da Conmebol, como na final da Sul-Americana de 2012, quando jogadores do Tigres tentaram matar jogadores do São Paulo no intervalo e se recusaram a entrar em campo na 2ª etapa. Acredite, já quase rolou punição aos BRASILEIROS pelas atrocidades dos vizinhos. Em 2013, jogadores do Arsenal depredaram por completo o vestiário do Independência. A Conmebol cogitou punir o Galo, mandante da partida. Fora todos os jogadores brasileiros que expulsos pelos árbitros e suspensos pela dona da escola.

E antes sequer havia motivo. Hoje, eles têm. Lá foi a CBF votar em Marrocos como sede da Copa de 2026 e quebrar o combinado com as demais federações, que decidiram apoiar o Mundial no próprio continente. Se mentir pra amigo já é ruim, imagine pra inimigo…

O peixe deu mole. Já o Independiente, se prepara para o jogo de volta com o possível regulamento poderoso debaixo do braço. Uma vantagem de 3 pontos (me recuso a chamar de gols) que faz com que as preocupações sejam as menores possíveis, a ponto de pedir aos seus torcedores para não chamarem os brasileiros de macacos no jogo no Brasil. O motivo? Não, não é educar. Simplesmente não querem correr o risco de verem seus filhos causando multas e até expulsões. No lugar deles, eu relaxaria. A coordenadora põe bandanas nos olhos para os crimes mais hediondos no momento certo para os hermanos.

Ao Santos fazer, resta tentar o milagre fazendo o que sabe: jogar bola. Creio que ninguém é melhor do que Cuca pra reverter isso. Caso consiga, entrará de vez na galeria dos maiores gestores de vestiário da história do futebol brasileiro em momentos delicados – se não o maior. E não duvide: há quem diga que o destino desenha as mais loucas histórias e põe nas mãos dos bruxos mais místicos.

Se mesmo depois disso tudo o Peixe conseguir tirar nota azul nessa prova com tempo reduzido, parceiro… eu quero ver a cara da Conmebol. Isso se outra emboscada tendenciosa não surgir. Já saímos atrás por sermos brasileiros por aqui.

Daniel Braune

CHARGE: Lancenet.

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